My struggles - Accepting my introversion

Introvert? You? – That is the most common reaction when I tell people that I am one of those introverts you read about. People imagine introverts to be a species of people who shun all forms of public contact preferring to dwell in the darkest corners of a basement pondering over a myriad mix of chemicals or pagan rituals. (We do and we will come after you!! But that is not ALL there is to us…). 

Or maybe a breed of people so shy and geeky they stutter and stammer at the mere sight of another human being.

Seriously though – extroversion and introversion are not black and white. They come in different shades of grays. Depending on your life stage one might even swing from one end of the spectrum to other though at the core they still are firmly rooted in one category or the other.

These are merely the base nature that relates to how people recharge. For introverts, a quite Me-time after a long day is not a choice or a luxury. It’s a deep need that helps them recharge their human batteries. Extroverts crave company in the same way. Human interaction, social conversations and forming social connections is what they need to be able to function next day again. This is not to say that introverts cannot handle social interactions or extroverts can’t contemplate in solitude. It’s merely not their idea of “rest”.

However society has a definitive view of personality types that are “successful”. People, or mixing with people, is a central theme to all humanity. Think of a ROLE MODEL that personifies or screams “successful”. In all likelihood, your mind conjured up a very social, good looking creature (possibly male) who is for a want of a better term “the life of a party”. Popular literature and culture has fed that image in our heads for so long that it’s almost impossible to notice the quieter models of success.  Google “famous introverts’ “successful introverts” and there are some pretty surprising results out there that will make you rethink this idea.

Greatest scientific mind in all history? Albert Einstein. Introvert.

The most recognisable Indian in all world? Mahatma Gandhi. Introvert.

One of the first IT revolutionaries? Bill Gates. Introvert.

Arguably, the most celebrated advocate for women empowerment. Emma Watson. Introvert.

The most celebrated contemporary author? J.K Rowling. Introvert. 

People from all categories of human nature have been changing the world and introverts have been on this journey just as long as the extroverts though this has not fed into the popular culture as yet.

One of my many travails in the MBA year was the constant emphasis on networking, meeting new people, forming new connections and socialising. Every. Single. Day. Our well-meaning and usually benevolent careers team made a point to drill the importance of cultivating contacts in the real world. For most part, this is a sensible advice. And looking at the emphasis laid on this in all the Ivy leagues around the world, this is on par with the rest of the world. However, when one third of the population in the world are truly introverts, there needs to be effective thought on how to make this process relevant for those who are at the rear of the introversion spectrum.

When you integrate success so closely with socialising isn’t it also a given then that there needs to effective strategies to help the introverts go through these loops? Frankly speaking my MBA year put me in touch with my inner self more than anything. Giving the emphasis on understanding the human psychology, behavioural psychology and organizational psychology, one cannot walk away from a good MBA program having not understood where you stand on the scale. Pre-MBA, for the longest time I thought if I gave into my desire to be “alone” I would never be successful. If I did away with all social interaction, I’d stand nowhere. Right from my engineering days I worked so hard to mingle with people, understand their viewpoints and “integrate into the mainstream” that I forgot I was working doubly harder than everyone else who did not happen to be introverted in nature.

For them a social-do is just about meeting new people and understanding them, relating to them, finding a common point of conversation and building the networks. For me for ALL THESE TASKS I’d have to work at “being there” “listen” “focus on the speaker” “don’t daydream” “don’t look at the door looking for an escape window”. No wonder I ended up so exhausted. No wonder I formed so little of those meaningful connections in those years where I was constantly in a tug-of-war between “Stay” and “Look – escape window”.

Exhausted. Frustrated. Defeated. Deflated. That was me every single day of trying to be an extrovert that I was not and failing miserably at it. 

A very popular idiom that has an equal saying in almost every language “The darkest hour precludes every dawn”. Nothing has been truer in my case. One of the worst on-job experiences taught me of my inherent incapability to play this game any more. Coupled with a Armageddon in my personal life, I had no choice but to turn into what I really was all along and retreat back into my mental dungeon.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. “ - Aristotle

I took a good 8 months off every form of social contact and constantly revisited what I was going wrong, what I really wanted in life and what were the BARE ESSENTIALS when it came to survival. Given how battered my confidence and self-esteem were, I knew a professional scene at this moment would ruin me forever. Plus, given I had marked myself FAILURE in almost all aspects of my life I needed to do something that would make me “feel good” about myself. A lifelong ambition – the dearly regarded MBA – seemed like just the thing. I never focused on anything in life as much until that day (and truth be told, since then, for that matter). 

Once at the B-school of my choice, I was again bombarded with the same message over and over again – Network. Network. Network. Make connections. Be successful.

For some reason though it did not sound right. I was still recuperating from the wounds of the last two decades of battling and deeply wary of going in for another round. So I searched deeper for some more answers? What is their definition of success? Turned out KPMG, Bain, Booz, BCG, McKinsey and likes. Jet-Set-Go lifestyle. A 200k+ salary. Private club membership with power lunches and big names from the corporate world. I knew from the word go that this would NOT be me. Success or not.

My first foray into the professional world after motherhood was in a different city from the baby. I lasted 5 weeks being a Mon-Fri mom. For most part I don’t even mention that on my resume anymore. Ok to travel? Not.

Money? How much is enough? I had already hit the ceiling in terms of my pay in the local market with the “job from hell”. That did not make me happy. The joy of the salary lasted for EXACTLY one pay cycle. Ok to be unhappy in a high paying job? Not.

Private club? What private club? Why a private club for me? Unless you are talking about a club with no one else in sight and no one to talk to. (If you have a private club like that – Shut up and take my money. Take it now!) My idea of a power lunch is a veggie sandwich in a clean café with a book in hand and unobtrusive waiters who do not feel the need to “chat up” their customers. So again - a private club? No.

With that my mind began to turn and I seriously introspected on what I needed in my life. I was miserable in consulting. I was miserable being a housewife. Having been independent all my life in terms of finances, I needed to stay the same. For some it’s a matter of pride. For some others, it’s a necessity. For me, it’s a precursor to sanity.

But then that was all there was to it. I couldn’t handle having an all-consuming job. Because I already have one. Being a mom. Given I’d spend a good amount of my time being a mom, I’d want my life after job to leave enough to let me be me. Embracing who I am has been the most liberating experience of my life.

In the past couple of years, I travel light. I have relationships. Just the few which add purpose and meaning to my life. I have a job. But that is just so that I am financially independent. I am a mom.  But I understand that my daughter’s life and her struggles are her own and I do not (and can NOT) pick problems from her plate to solve.

In the past, I made a lot of career moves that I knew were wrong. But I made them in the pursuit of success, money, name and/or validation from other people. Now I have made drastic career moves. Alarming, some might say. But I know I will thrive in here. I know this is what I am meant to be. And I have never been happier than this before.

And I could sum this up in the words of Susan Cain –

“…introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.” 

Religion and me...

Who am I? Where do I come from? What is the meaning and the purpose of this life? – The existential dilemma has bothered each one of us at some point of time in life. And these questions have stayed back with the mankind since ages. A good number of us have at some point of time turned to religion for the answers.

For others religion is not about seeking a higher meaning to our lives but it’s just an aspect of their identity conferred by the accident of birth. Indeed, the birth of a human differs from all the other ones in a sense that as a human being the simple event of being born bestows some characteristics that none of the other animals are forced to accept. Nationality, regional identity, religion.

Personally, I was born in a Hindu Brahmin family in the early 80s. My life and my journey along the way to where I am today has put me at an interesting crossroads of sort. And THAT is what I am here to talk about.

At a personal level I am still a “practising” Hindu. And entirely by choice.

I lost my parents-in-law quite soon after my marriage. An unfortunate falling out with the rest of the family few years later has to come to mean that I have no interference from the family I married into. My husband is a quite a non-practising Hindu himself, thus I am free to dress as I please. Yet I wear the insignia of my marriage – bindi, taali, toe-rings, sindoor etc with a great pride. In a large way that is who I am and my freedom to dress as I choose to means I dress AS I LIKE. As an Indian in Australia, I do stand out when I am out but then that is who I am. I feel bereft without these and so I refuse to take them off.

Though - Is this necessarily a religious sentiment? Not really. Like so many other Indian women, my taali finds its way under the pillow every single night. The sindoor goes off for a toss when I have a really bad bout of dandruff. Many a times the morning rush, I forget to wear my bindi. Though I hate looking at my face on such days (again a matter of habit!) I won’t rush to home or the nearest Indian store for restocking a spare.

Again, I am in plenty superstitious. If I don a new dress/purse/jewellery and have an altercation with the man-of-the-house or have some other unfortunate event you can bet your life I will not wear it again. Ditto for the other side of the coin. All my engineering exams, I wore the EXACT same dress that helped me clear a particularly hard one in first year. My mother swore the dress would fall in tatters the day I finished my engineering.

So what does it take a person like me to rue turning away from religion? And AM I turning away from religion.

Let me attempt to take it one at a time. Growing up, I had a motley crew of people around me. Muslims, Christians, Hindus from all levels of the purported caste system. Growing up - we were always told religion and castes do not matter.

My dad, a liberal soul, who happens to be one of the biggest influence on me growing up and continues to be my guiding post judged people on their merit, their nature and how they dealt with people around them. People who put him off – he never spoke ill of them or picked up fights with them. They would just cease to exist in his life and his mind. I was always envious of his ability to “tune out the noise”. If they reviled him, it reached his ears but never his heart. In that sense, dad has always symbolised “karmanye vadhikaraste ma phaleshu kadachana” aspect of Hinduism.

Yes, he did 108 recitations of “Poojyaya Raghavendraya” on the way to work, yes he understood the art (or science) of Vedic astrology, yes he could recite the Vishnu Sahasranamam and Lalitha Sahasranamam without having to refer to the texts if he so pleased. Yet he is the truest of karmayogis as well. He related to people without labelling them into buckets of religion or caste.

He never encouraged (in fact actively discouraged) the ritualistic aspect of Hinduism. Rather than fast the entire day in name of God and turn waspish towards the end of the day, he would rather we spent our efforts on the more unfortunate than us. Rather than spend thousands of rupees running after jyotishis he would rather we spent time trying harder to achieve whatever goal we had set in mind.

Never before than now in life, have I appreciated what he taught us. When I look back at some of the more memorable moments of my life - Friends (and/or near-strangers who went to become role models) from all walks of life have come in my life and enriched it all the more. Friends who cheered for me on paths of success, friends who picked me up in times I needed a helping hand – These are the people who quoted choicest excerpts from my religion and practises of my faith to support what they had in mind to lift me up and egg me on to reach for the stars. These are PEOPLE who cared. PEOPLE for whom I mattered. Who they were in terms of their nationality or religion or caste is a moot point.

On the other hand, people in close quarters – sometimes friends, sometimes close family have wreaked havoc in my psyche. Hoped I’d fail. Declared upset at my wins. Quoted choicest excerpts from my religion and practises of my faith to support what they had in mind for themselves and for me. Again, these were PEOPLE who craved my downfall. PEOPLE on whose nerves I rankled.  Who they were in terms of their nationality or religion or caste is a moot point.

And in the end this is what has mattered. Analysing people through a set of blueprints labelled Caste, Region, Religion or Nationality does not matter. Some people are gems who should be held on to at all costs. Some people are assholes. You can NOT let go of them faster. Bringing any other aspect except their basic nature is a wrong way to go.

Further, like dialects, there are so many shades to any organised religion it’s nearly impossible to pin point a definitive version of any religion. Which tenet of Hinduism I chose to pick or ignore is just as personal a choice as the particular dialect of Telugu I learnt to speak. And given any religion is a conduit of MY PERSONAL EQUATION with MY GOD who reserves the right to comment on it?   

So it immensely saddens me to see the current public discourse in newspapers all across the world. Condemning Islam. Calling Muslims all over to the world to condemn attacks as if they are responsible for fringe elements hijacking their faith. In the same vein – Am I responsible for all the Ghar Wapsis, vandalism in the name of hurt religious sentiments and Hindu militia happening back home in India? I relate to all that just as much as some of my Muslim friends relate to the fringe elements in THEIR religion. Who the hell is Sakshi Maharaj and why is he telling me to have four kids? Does every Christian friend of mine need to apologize for all the cases of child abuse Church has been involved in?

Thousands of years on earth later, why are we still fighting on whose God is stronger, mightier, more benevolent and more omniscient? If you like a red dress and are free to wear one without me insisting you wear my favourite shade of yellow, why can’t be let our faith be a matter of purely personal choice as well. And yet, there is something about our religious fervour that does not let us look the other way when we think people around us are NOT conforming to our views or version of faith.

From what I have seen - Religion is not a problem as much as the sense of pride in “all things my faith” people insist on. I’ve recently engaged in a quite a number of “passionate exchange of opinions” with people who keep dropping on my Facebook posts to point out how wrong I am, how misguided my view on religion and Islam is and how I am missing the point of their fervour. These are usually followed by private messages on how Hindus of the world need to unite, take collective pride in our roots and ensure the continuity of the religion? (What, what and WHAT?) My kneejerk response has always been to UNSUSCRIBE from their posts on my feed. Secondly, I refuse to pay attention to their comments on pages of common friends. But I refuse to let them get away with militating page. I refuse to let them assume silence amounts to consent. And so more and more each day I am drawn into argument after argument on things that are so bloody personal that none of us is ever going to change our position on it by fraction of a millionth of an inch just because the other yelled louder than us. At best we both come across as opinionated assholes. If not, it might just amount to a pyrrhic victory where you win an argument and lose a closely cultivated relationship. I desire no sainthood conferred upon me but having lost many a dear and valued relationships to inane reasons I abhor having to give up any more if I can help it.

Which makes me wonder – Do I keep close to my heart my interpretation on what a Hindu is or what a Hindu does? Or just let go of my religion altogether (at least on social media) so that I don’t have to spend endless hours debating semantics. Again, is that not hypocrisy in itself. And my dear “involved” Hindu brethren – Do you not become N-1 by losing that one person from an already “extinct” breed?

So yes, inane debate on what should our thoughts and interpretations of religion should be notwithstanding - what should we be allowed to believe in or not, how should we relate to people from other religions in personal capacity are a matter of individual introspection and comfort.

From where I see it - The world does not need religion as much as it needs humanity today. Honor killings, female infanticide, sexual assault on women, growing corruption, homophobia, xenophobia, climate change, world hunger, poverty and many more maladies ail us today collectively as a specifies. These are problems that need more attention and work than what I believe my God says.

In immortal words of Abraham Lincoln - When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.