My struggles - Accepting my introversion

Introvert? You? – That is the most common reaction when I tell people that I am one of those introverts you read about. People imagine introverts to be a species of people who shun all forms of public contact preferring to dwell in the darkest corners of a basement pondering over a myriad mix of chemicals or pagan rituals. (We do and we will come after you!! But that is not ALL there is to us…). 

Or maybe a breed of people so shy and geeky they stutter and stammer at the mere sight of another human being.

Seriously though – extroversion and introversion are not black and white. They come in different shades of grays. Depending on your life stage one might even swing from one end of the spectrum to other though at the core they still are firmly rooted in one category or the other.

These are merely the base nature that relates to how people recharge. For introverts, a quite Me-time after a long day is not a choice or a luxury. It’s a deep need that helps them recharge their human batteries. Extroverts crave company in the same way. Human interaction, social conversations and forming social connections is what they need to be able to function next day again. This is not to say that introverts cannot handle social interactions or extroverts can’t contemplate in solitude. It’s merely not their idea of “rest”.

However society has a definitive view of personality types that are “successful”. People, or mixing with people, is a central theme to all humanity. Think of a ROLE MODEL that personifies or screams “successful”. In all likelihood, your mind conjured up a very social, good looking creature (possibly male) who is for a want of a better term “the life of a party”. Popular literature and culture has fed that image in our heads for so long that it’s almost impossible to notice the quieter models of success.  Google “famous introverts’ “successful introverts” and there are some pretty surprising results out there that will make you rethink this idea.

Greatest scientific mind in all history? Albert Einstein. Introvert.

The most recognisable Indian in all world? Mahatma Gandhi. Introvert.

One of the first IT revolutionaries? Bill Gates. Introvert.

Arguably, the most celebrated advocate for women empowerment. Emma Watson. Introvert.

The most celebrated contemporary author? J.K Rowling. Introvert. 

People from all categories of human nature have been changing the world and introverts have been on this journey just as long as the extroverts though this has not fed into the popular culture as yet.

One of my many travails in the MBA year was the constant emphasis on networking, meeting new people, forming new connections and socialising. Every. Single. Day. Our well-meaning and usually benevolent careers team made a point to drill the importance of cultivating contacts in the real world. For most part, this is a sensible advice. And looking at the emphasis laid on this in all the Ivy leagues around the world, this is on par with the rest of the world. However, when one third of the population in the world are truly introverts, there needs to be effective thought on how to make this process relevant for those who are at the rear of the introversion spectrum.

When you integrate success so closely with socialising isn’t it also a given then that there needs to effective strategies to help the introverts go through these loops? Frankly speaking my MBA year put me in touch with my inner self more than anything. Giving the emphasis on understanding the human psychology, behavioural psychology and organizational psychology, one cannot walk away from a good MBA program having not understood where you stand on the scale. Pre-MBA, for the longest time I thought if I gave into my desire to be “alone” I would never be successful. If I did away with all social interaction, I’d stand nowhere. Right from my engineering days I worked so hard to mingle with people, understand their viewpoints and “integrate into the mainstream” that I forgot I was working doubly harder than everyone else who did not happen to be introverted in nature.

For them a social-do is just about meeting new people and understanding them, relating to them, finding a common point of conversation and building the networks. For me for ALL THESE TASKS I’d have to work at “being there” “listen” “focus on the speaker” “don’t daydream” “don’t look at the door looking for an escape window”. No wonder I ended up so exhausted. No wonder I formed so little of those meaningful connections in those years where I was constantly in a tug-of-war between “Stay” and “Look – escape window”.

Exhausted. Frustrated. Defeated. Deflated. That was me every single day of trying to be an extrovert that I was not and failing miserably at it. 

A very popular idiom that has an equal saying in almost every language “The darkest hour precludes every dawn”. Nothing has been truer in my case. One of the worst on-job experiences taught me of my inherent incapability to play this game any more. Coupled with a Armageddon in my personal life, I had no choice but to turn into what I really was all along and retreat back into my mental dungeon.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. “ - Aristotle

I took a good 8 months off every form of social contact and constantly revisited what I was going wrong, what I really wanted in life and what were the BARE ESSENTIALS when it came to survival. Given how battered my confidence and self-esteem were, I knew a professional scene at this moment would ruin me forever. Plus, given I had marked myself FAILURE in almost all aspects of my life I needed to do something that would make me “feel good” about myself. A lifelong ambition – the dearly regarded MBA – seemed like just the thing. I never focused on anything in life as much until that day (and truth be told, since then, for that matter). 

Once at the B-school of my choice, I was again bombarded with the same message over and over again – Network. Network. Network. Make connections. Be successful.

For some reason though it did not sound right. I was still recuperating from the wounds of the last two decades of battling and deeply wary of going in for another round. So I searched deeper for some more answers? What is their definition of success? Turned out KPMG, Bain, Booz, BCG, McKinsey and likes. Jet-Set-Go lifestyle. A 200k+ salary. Private club membership with power lunches and big names from the corporate world. I knew from the word go that this would NOT be me. Success or not.

My first foray into the professional world after motherhood was in a different city from the baby. I lasted 5 weeks being a Mon-Fri mom. For most part I don’t even mention that on my resume anymore. Ok to travel? Not.

Money? How much is enough? I had already hit the ceiling in terms of my pay in the local market with the “job from hell”. That did not make me happy. The joy of the salary lasted for EXACTLY one pay cycle. Ok to be unhappy in a high paying job? Not.

Private club? What private club? Why a private club for me? Unless you are talking about a club with no one else in sight and no one to talk to. (If you have a private club like that – Shut up and take my money. Take it now!) My idea of a power lunch is a veggie sandwich in a clean café with a book in hand and unobtrusive waiters who do not feel the need to “chat up” their customers. So again - a private club? No.

With that my mind began to turn and I seriously introspected on what I needed in my life. I was miserable in consulting. I was miserable being a housewife. Having been independent all my life in terms of finances, I needed to stay the same. For some it’s a matter of pride. For some others, it’s a necessity. For me, it’s a precursor to sanity.

But then that was all there was to it. I couldn’t handle having an all-consuming job. Because I already have one. Being a mom. Given I’d spend a good amount of my time being a mom, I’d want my life after job to leave enough to let me be me. Embracing who I am has been the most liberating experience of my life.

In the past couple of years, I travel light. I have relationships. Just the few which add purpose and meaning to my life. I have a job. But that is just so that I am financially independent. I am a mom.  But I understand that my daughter’s life and her struggles are her own and I do not (and can NOT) pick problems from her plate to solve.

In the past, I made a lot of career moves that I knew were wrong. But I made them in the pursuit of success, money, name and/or validation from other people. Now I have made drastic career moves. Alarming, some might say. But I know I will thrive in here. I know this is what I am meant to be. And I have never been happier than this before.

And I could sum this up in the words of Susan Cain –

“…introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”